“It’s not a competition, it’s a doorway.”― Mary Oliver

Why hola amigos!

It has been a while.

What to do when the world is changing so fast? And what to do when in amongst that change there is a tightrope to tread? A tightrope between balancing the levels of emotion and discourse that’s currently bombarding our inner and outer worlds. We may well be in isolation but that doesn’t mean the world and its opining is in ISO!

Talk, yes we need it, of course we need to talk but how much do we need? How much do we really need to hear? This is the question I ask myself. For me it isn’t about blocking news or hard facts or heart felt conversations but to create enough internal space to think my way forward. As the introvert type this isolation thing is not the challenge I face.

I like time alone – except that I am not alone. Voices seem very loud right now. Louder than ever! And I feel I’m loud. Odd that isn’t it – people stay stay home and begin to scream louder. It is to be expected of course, there is a crisis we are all collectively living with. And the problem is is that while we are all living this experience, where we are, where we come from and where we want to go is different.

For some it’s a spiritual virus, a conspiracy, it’s 5G or an angry Mother Earth – none of these are me. I see it as a biological, highly contagious virus and the only way through is to sit it out. In fact the only way through any of these opinions is to sit it out. I don’t want to argue about why this is happening, I want to live it now in real time – there is no choice in that. I find the ideological differences a bit hard to take in relationships right now, I have to back away from some. You?

The sitting out – how to make this healthy? This is my question to myself. Granted I have luck, I don’t have to worry about financial stress, we have jobs (still). I am safe in my home. I am not in a high risk group should I become ill. Sure, our trip to Australia for April/May has been cancelled, but hey the plane shame was kind of eating away at me anyhow. Our summer camp trip to France will be next to go I imagine. None of these measures are permanent. My mum was in hospital last week and my father in law the week before – these are the things that matter. Gladly, both are fine.

I’m not really losing anything. Not losing like those who are in the thick of this pandemic. Those fighting the virus, the heroes fighting to save those who are ill, those who can’t find their way home, the ones who hang on to their home and safety by a thread. I struggle a lot with white privilege at the best of times and I find it quite intolerable in this time. The irony of me sitting here writing this with privilege isn’t lost on me.

It is not that I can’t appreciate joy and the sharing of joy. I adore gratitude, it is the secret pathway, the holy grail – but all the noise is messing with my balance. Balancing the good effects with the what will be a huge price paid for by the vulnerable. Walking the tightrope is enough within itself. I’d like to be a part of something bigger. I’d like my time in this to be about more than the ‘blessing’ of stopping. It hasn’t taken a pandemic for me to count my blessings. But I find myself a bit paralysed and unable to focus on action. I don’t want to be numb to this and apathy well that ain’t ever a friend – I need to clear some space. So here I am. Writing. Seeking. Searching.

We packed our whole lives up five years ago to live a quieter life. The uncomplicated life we managed to create has enabled us to create a cocoon that really hasn’t required much of our life to change. I can’t do this talk again – this ‘how mind blowing’ it is to live slower nor do I want to participate in the ‘smug’ talk. It sounds selfish, I know that. Don’t get me wrong I am thrilled for those who are finding the wonder of slowness. It’s just not my story anymore. And trying to have it all, well that was never been my jam so I can’t relate with those challenges.

Choosing your own path often appears selfish – it risks disappointing others. We all have challenges on this path, mine just aren’t in that space. And I find myself getting frustrated and bored with much of what I read and see. This, of course is my challenge – because I get bored with myself too. It’s not like I’m offering something different. So I find myself here. Looking for the challenge … tempting it, willing it,  writing my way into it.

Trying times show us things we gloss over about ourselves. I have become comfortable. The challenges of moving abroad and starting afresh have abated. I don’t want to down play them – there have been hard times. However, we have rebuilt and we are in the nest we need for now. So now I am left with me, again! Me getting annoyed and bored with myself. I do love my life and yes I have more than enough but as one path winds down there’s a hankering to make something new. It’s the challenge of the creative mind, the need to fight injustice and the curse (blessing) of having a gypsy soul. The desire to leap into something new, something that matters, to next level it – this will always return.

But what?

And how?

For starters I have to get uncomfortable. Or face where my discomfort comes from. I’ve been talking too much. I’ve reached for deep things to say on my IG page and I can’t get to them – and it’s not always a safe place for such reflection. I need longer words, deeper introspection. The kind I can only come out with in these pages. I’m beginning something so it’s not about knowing the great truths about life or myself – it’s about trying, having a go, of being wrong and being ok with that because it’s how we learn, how we move forward. I haven’t lived enough of my iso story to tell it nor to share the big thoughts in small captions (not yet). I don’t know what my ISO story will be. I need to feel my way though, to find my way. And I need to sit in my own intuition to discover my very own truth and not allow it to be confused by the storm clouds of others.

Today I decided I want to turn off my phone for 31 days. Yep, just like that, literally – switch it off. Ridiculously it’s a new phone and I can’t work our how to switch it off – I need to wait for tech guy to come home from his ride. So I have a few hours of extra time to scramble out some easter messages.  With these extra few hours of phone time I’m thinking oh crap what about this person or that person. I won’t be totally out of the communication orbit. I’m on here, I have email, there is messenger on my laptop, honestly if people need me they can find me. The hardest thing will be what’s ap and my mum – but there will be a solution to this one problem I’m sure.

On the first day of March I started a run-streak, I have run every day since. I have run a minimum of a mile for 43 days straight and I won’t stop, not yet. Sometimes the best life adventures are the ones we jump into without knowing how they will play out, without thinking it through and making it too hard before we even start.

I am interested in what can happen in this space, in what I can make without noise in the shadows. In where the intention will find its flow…

Here is a little adventure story I read today:

http://www.bbc.com/travel/story/20200408-how-boredom-can-inspire-adventure

Obviously I can’t escape to climb a mountain right now! But I do know a bit about letting yourself get bored with the status quo. Of hopping into a bubble of curiosity, discomfort and inspiration to challenge oneself to do something different or differently.

How about you lot? You coping? Challenging the discomfort?

Fran xx