Many years ago I read a post where the writer had photographed a little posy of lavender. She had attached it to a farewell card for a friend. It was a sweet, simple story and the little posy imprinted in my mind as possibly the most lovingly, whimsical gift I had ever seen. It was pure heart. I tucked that story away for the future.
A few weeks ago when I found myself back to writing I wasn’t sure what it was I was looking for in these pages. I just knew I needed to be here, to search. Where is it that my voice is most needed? How could this time mean something more than survival? Why was I feeling so conflicted?
Like any journey we take we can’t actually arrive until we do the travel, have the experience, live the story. And just like any of the great journeys or life transitions I’ve personally travelled there are times when you feel sure and times when you’re unsure.
Last week the light arrived for me. I feel as though my adrenaline dropped. I arrived here. I came home – to myself. In the quiet silence of stepping away from the news and conversations, I realised I was fighting the wrong battles. I was battling all the advice and opinions that were frustrating me. My ego was trying to be right and that is never a sturdy place from which to fight the good fight from.
Of course in my world, in my head and in my heart I am trying to be of service but trying to be right in a highly emotive, angst ridden time in the world … that’s not going to bare well for me. Articulating myself from a vulnerable, passionate state is not my strength. I am not a fighter, not an arguer and I don’t want to play with any mean girl stuff. Not with others and certainly not towards myself. Heck, high school – I have no desire to go back there. I want to exist in a world where lavender posies are the currency.
The thing I realised this week was that I had gotten a little bland, a tad stale and maybe this was a mirror moment. I had begun to accept a different world than the one with the currency I so dearly treasure. I allowed myself to judge and to feel judged. I was giving energy and time to conversations and expectations that really don’t contribute to the currency I value. The currency of connection, kindness, adventure, simplicity, humanity and, of humility.
Naturally, the moment I let go and flipped into that currency, the currency of heart felt living – how quickly the universe in which I live righted itself.
How quickly I noticed the sweet messages that flowed, some old and some new people with whom I could live through this time appeared, the confidence to know which fights are for me and those that aren’t. The realisation that I am far from perfect but I’m doing enough. I’m doing my best. I can only be me, that’s all I have … that is my voice. And how I make this time matter is in nurturing my nest, the work I do here, the kind, accepting family and friends I have the honour to know and share life along the way with and our home, the home life (no matter where in the world we are) we evolve with and create.
Today I arrived home from my run to find my new lavender plant had also arrived home. It has lovingly found its place amongst the tuscan inspired space we are creating here. A plant for posies and bees. And a symbol of what is important to me. A reminder to stay home, home within myself.
How are you?
p.s. A special little posy to you Kristen, Sue, Annette, Paula, Sarah, Tanya, Mel, Fi, Janet and Lix. Thank you for being you this week, your kindness has meant a great deal to me.