All posts by Frances

Travel

Where was I again, oh there I was, on that path …

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“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

Maya Angelou

Hello lovelies!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what comes next. When is the next new path going to appear, the one that feels like the right one to plant the seeds. If I was the praying type I’d be praying for the next door to appear. I’m not, instead I’ve been wishing for it. Dear universe, please give me a hint. A clue to find you.

💫🚪💫

Last week while out walking I captured this blog’s accompanying photo. A field of wild flowers, buttercups. I’ve walked these woods for the past 5 springs and never have I ever seen this field in bloom like this. Along my well worn, regularly walked, at times a tad boring path – on this day, this difference caught my attention. My first clue. I knew I’d come back to this picture. There was something about it.

on this day

A field of wild flowers did seem like the perfect postcard to send you from my little corner of Europe. It sparked the idea of this blog transitioning into a postcard for you from europe. An little rhyme to accompany your postcard came to me one night while I was drifting off. A sweet way to share this image.

plenty came to play

and all it wanted to say

was have a beautiful day

Perhaps the beauty of this field planted a seed. Hmm how does this work? Do I plant the seeds for what comes next or are the seeds already planted for me? Is it for me to notice and water them?

I sat with my photo and it’s rhyme a little longer.

Each evening I’ve been hopping into live daily blogs written by pilgrims hiking along the camino. The photos of wildflowers in bloom have been spectacular as have the vibes from the trail in their daily debriefs (daily joy Mel). They are triggering some familiar stirrings in me. The desire to go away and walk, a long walk. Hmm a clue perhaps!?

I’ve a long list of blog posts to write for my new your camino site but something has been holding me back. Blank. Boring. They needed soul, some context. An actual camino. Wouldn’t writing a post about toiletries be more fun if they were actually getting packed! Yes, another clue.

Now I’m confused. ‘It’s the pilgrimage home to Oz I long for though isn’t it’ I thought. And yet that is not on the cards for me right now. My life is here. But where is that damn door that’s going to make these next two years of my life – a life that’s lived like I mean it!? I want more than getting by – I want a fierce, bold, adventurous and wildly lived life. No regrets. No quiet mouse. No timidly shaking under the weight of what if, what might. Uugghh why is reinventing myself so hard right now. Wait, there’s another clue.

The memes say you shouldn’t look back, only forward. I’ve been trying that, but memes I disagree. To move forward sometimes we have to go back. Look back at where we’ve been, who we were, what lit our soul on fire. There the clues to know who you are can be found. I read some of my writing from 2016, yes, now I remember why I’m here. I was also scrolling my instagram today looking for a photo for someone. That little online photo album showed me something. It showed me when I was fierce, bold, adventurous and wild and it wasn’t even that long ago. The time when I trusted in who I am and where I was. Wo-ah. BIG clue.

In a conversation with someone recently, they shared an ‘opinion’ of something we should do and right away the penny dropped. I won’t be able to step into abundance again if I carry these ever so frequently shared scarcity based opinions. I can’t do it the way other people do it. I.Never.Have. Clue.

My mind shifted. So many shifts lately it’s actually hard to stay on track. I hope I’m making sense. You see I’ve been heavily weighed down by the ‘family’ project. Where do we need to be? This big transition we’re in, what does it need? And then I’m frustrated because actually right now what we need is to be here. But I’m not here. Not really.

I googled ‘what’s a project for a 50 year old’. I know I need a passion, something that feverishly excites me. I’ve always had one. The long term family project, I can think about it but it’s in the seed stage. It’s not yet something I can act on. But in my reading of camino blogs, my writing archives and my photos I started to remember something, there is a path that is open and waiting…

‘Perhaps I’ll go walk the next stage of the norte camino next week’ I thought. Could I make that happen? No, it’s very costly to do at a whim, time and financially. A dear friend, one whose opinions are of the abundance camp (love you Gen) suggested last week that I pop on the train and pick up my ‘Home to Rome’ walk again. A seed not a clue.

Last weekend we were in Maastricht for a weekend of hiking and camping. I came home fully alive from being in those hills. My favourite part of The Netherlands I declared. And you know the last place where I left off from my Home to Rome pilgrimage? Yep, Maastricht. A clue or a seed? You choose.

My next google search was Maastricht to Belgium hiking and wouldn’t you know it … there’s a pilgrim path that leaves Maastricht to Namur. Via monsana it’s called and it hooks up with more pilgrim paths. Paths that lead to via francigena which is the path that will ultimately take me to Rome.

So there you are! Lots of little clues leading me back to my ‘Home to Rome’ project. A project to take me forward. And it doesn’t feel like the past because it’s a new trail, just one I’m picking up from where I left off. Maybe I don’t need to reinvent myself. I just need to find myself again, to pick up where I left off and to work out how to future proof myself because life is changing! As it does.

So sometime next week, hopefully your postcard will come from via monsana!

Till then BIG love,

Fran xx

Here’s another postcard snap from one of my walks! In the past these sorts of shots were a daily occurrence for me. How sweet it is to take a beautiful photo.

Life, writing

That feeling of coming home, know it?

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“The best way to change the world is in concentric circles: start with yourself and work your way out from there.”

James Clear

Hi there!

Well it’s been a minute. How are things with you? It has been all sorts busy here. Still we await the arrival of the northern hemisphere’s spring season, as in really arrive and not disappear again tomorrow! The winter has been long, the busy has been good and oh my gosh this is my first post for the year! And.It.Is.May.Already. There’s been learning, trying new things and settling into life as I chill my nervous system.

Learning by living is my modus operandi, so when I am quiet in these times and sharing less, never fear. I’m simply off being human and growing with that experience. It’s nice though to feel ready to come home and to begin to grow something with words. To once again write to you from a sturdy place. There’s so much to talk about!

Hey, so, I know we aren’t really talking about the C time and I know we all experienced that time differently, but during my deep dive into being human I had to think about how the pandemic affected me. It’s not the first time I’ve had to face some really tough feelings but it was probably the hardest.

It wasn’t the actual pandemic time that was hard for me. It was more so the years after. Specifically, this notion of simply returning to life that’s a ‘new normal’, one that doesn’t accommodate for changes. It is not quite ridiculous to expect to simply go back to being the same with a new tag?! I mean let’s be honest … who is the same two years on, ever. Even without a pandemic – things, life changes. When I look back at the amount of change in my usually quiet life I feel a great deal of sympathy for my nervous system, no wonder it got itself stuck in survival mode.

My family of little kids, those kids who danced behind the pide piper when she (me) played the next tune went and grew up. Really grew, the buggers. Two became fully fledged teens and boy that was something I did not have a manual or a script for. It’s taken some trial and error. After being locked out of our home country during the pandemic, the connection with our ozzie’ness shifted and this happened differently for all of us. Our parents downsized, aged and our old life at ‘home’ felt like it lost its roots.

We renovated a house (ha never again, ever). Th challenge aside from the actual living in a building site was that as someone who keeps it small and prefers the company of kind, interesting, honest, pay it forward types and a lot of quiet space was that I had to live with builders in that space everyday. Builders who regularly took the piss, lied and instead of 6, took 18 months. Oh and then there is the peri menopause, yep that hit at the same time. JESUS that peri – it took my energy, brain, confidence and what resilience I had left. Lol and they’re just the big things!

The good news is that I have found peace with all the change. Time is a great healer, yes, this is true … but also it is what you do in the time that heals. There has been plenty of sitting in my shit. A bit, hmm maybe a lot of woe is me. But, maybe this is necessary sometimes. Some time to feel sad for yourself, or to feel your sadness so you can uncover what it is you are really sad about and what you need. I am glad for it. Obviously, it isn’t fun but to accept change, but to step out of the flight, fight, fawn or freeze response it felt necessary. To me, this is self love. To love yourself enough to give yourself the grace to not be ok when you’re not, to give yourself and those around you compassion, to accept being imperfect and the imperfections of others, humaness. To recognise where and who you are and to be ok with that.

Anyways, that’s just a little of where I’ve been. If you’re interested in where the peace came from well a number of ways. I talk to someone. She helped me rip off a few bandaids. Under those bandaids were some wounds that I needed to give air to. We all know wounds heal better when exposed (if ready). I realised some of my teenage wounds were causing me to react rather than to respond to my own teens. Flight/fight. My catholic upbringing, schooling and life experiences still have some real impacts on me – fawn/freeze (don’t be seen). In survival mode it felt boundless and just as a river can’t flow without banks I couldn’t find my flow without boundaries which explained the bewildered state.

Anyways, from the chats I began thinking about how to step out of the fear mode I was existing in and how I could settle my nervous system. Diet came next. I was eating for survival. My gut health needed some love and based on tests – gluten, sugar and dairy are gone for now. I feel better. I gave up alcohol in favour of special occasions but kept coffee, I drink a lot of hot water and herb tea too. it’s not easy and these changes are a work in progress.

On a whim I picked up and read a book (this book) and honestly it changed my life. Peri/menopause is a feminist issue and we need to talk about it. I started HRT and that is something I never thought I would ever do. I have learnt that as women we are completely gaslit when it comes to our hormones and what this change means. We cannot rely on all caregivers to provide accurate, evidence based, individual information. An oestrogen deficiency played havoc with my body just as a thyroxine or insulin issues can for some. Those oestrogen receptors that live from my head down to my toes are now dancing with happiness to be awake. My energy has returned and the brain fog has disappeared. So now I can move, hot yoga, cycling and walking (always walking) are my things right now.

There is no magic bullet in my story here, just a few different paths I took to try to find my way through to post pandemic ‘new normal’. The gem for me was to learn that I can’t do what I’ve always done to cope and what that meant for me in terms of action. I couldn’t run/hike my way through it – injuries. I couldn’t write my way out of it – brain fog. I couldn’t eat my way out of it – health consequences, I couldn’t do something new (study) or adventurous (plan a move) – no energy. I simply had to sit still and move slowly and be open to and accept new things. I am not there yet but I am better for it. I need to give weight to all the puzzle pieces.

So, new things. Well, yes. As you all know I’m a little bit of a gypsy soul and I like need some excitement … some sweet synchronicity, some of those oh-wow-what-a-coincidence type moments and really I just need to find and hang out with my people. The ones get that about me, about life and that keep it interesting. Writing has always been such a beautiful doorway for me to stay connected with and to find the finest of kindreds. I started a new blog and gosh I’m excited (and nervous) to be in this space.

Your Camino

It is something different for me. This current blog you may remember started as the fundraiser for my first camino and it’s veered off is so many directions I don’t know what it is anymore! It is boundless. Of course that is ok. But like the river needs its banks, I want to do something that is in flow so I need boundaries, banks. I need to create something with direction. Already in the short time I’ve been playing over on your camino I’ve had some sweet interactions. I’ve felt a shift in what my mind thinks about and where it goes, my step and I’ve felt that feeling of ‘good’ fear. Like I am actually doing something that scares me a little. I like that I can connect people.

It feels time to challenge myself and see what I am capable of in this time. With commitment, the work of that feels doable. There are of course many sites dedicated to the camino, and yes there’s that shadow part of me that thinks and says ‘how do I fit with those, how can I compete, what if you fail’? But you know, I am tired of wondering about that, and it’s not a competition. So, I am creating my own unique space dedicated to camino walking, not trying to fit in. I am just going to write my stories and walk my walk, write to connect people and that alone feels like success.

I wanted to write this open the conversation about ‘new normal’ and change because it feels important, how are you with yours? And I am thinking a bit about this blog and I think perhaps this will become a letter about life here or maybe it will disappear. We shall see what flow says. We did have a beautiful weekend away last weekend in the fabulous south where the wildflowers are in bloom and there are hills. Hills in the flatlands, yes it’s true, they really exist. I am out of time and page space so I’ll share that with you next time.

With much love and grace,

Fran xx

Sneak peak from next week … the wildflowers

Travel

On holding space …

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Listening. This is where we left off. Listening to who and to what? I was open. I did not know. And given it has taken me 5 months to be back in the space where I can write. My heart space. It appears I was more disconnected from myself than even I knew. Not only myself really but the world in general. My energy was scattered. I was throwing it all over the place, and nowhere. I can’t write from that place. This isn’t something I am writing for you to feel sad about, nor am I sad in writing this. The opposite. Recognising we are disconnected shows we are feeling. And feeling, well that is always an invitation. These are the whispers from our soul …

The feelings are the first clues. Frustrated, sad, nervous, anxious, scared, unsafe, lonely – when and why? Some people refer to these invitations as triggers. I too have used this word. But a trigger left unexamined, will always be that. A trigger. And in all honesty it gets tiring to be continually triggered. A trigger examined, this is growth, the good kind. We get to change a script, or make a new choice. This is where the rainbow kisses the sea, beautiful freedom. Of course, we will never be free of feeling all the feelings, nor should we try to be. Life is feeling feels, we need them. How do we become activists (shit givers) without getting angry or sad first? But there is also bliss, joy, contentment, satisfaction and love. How sweet it seems to imagine there is a place where we can feel these feelings, all of them. And to be in the space where they can be felt together, together in peace, together in meaning.

Recently I’ve spent quite a bit of time acknowledging my ‘triggers’. Some of them I’ve felt before, others are completely new. In all of my life I have never felt so bewildered by all the ‘triggers’, ok maybe as a teen that was a bewildering time for me. I thought perhaps I could hide from them. Close in from the world and resort to behaviours that meant I could feel them less. This of course hasn’t worked. Self sabotage never does. There isn’t a block of chocolate big enough to erase homesickness, a glass of wine big enough to ease feelings of once again hearing the viciousness of small town gossip and rumours, the loneliness of compromising yourself in what isn’t your tribe, a long hike that pushes you hard but not enough to rid yourself of your darkness – it all just waits for you to finish having your nice escapes.

And yet, closing in is also exactly what I needed. Leaving a job to acknowledge this time where I felt burnt out by the society I live in. Some time to be out of the paths I frequently cross, the stinging nettle I kept bouncing against and some space from the power of this new weapon of warfare against authenticity; the bullshit that is the internet in our pocket, the software that is programmed to derail us though brainwashing, disconnection and a blame culture. Perhaps this makes me sound angry, I’m not. I’m rather happy to have been able to write this. It means I am less bewildered and able to verbalise what has been choking me. It also means I am here again for you, holding this space.

Recently, I’ve become aware of exactly what it is to hold space. I learnt this because some beautiful people held space for me. Friends who listened, friends who accepted that I don’t always have the energy right now to commit. I have a therapist who allows me the time to go where I need, and senses when I can dig in – this verbalising of what is buried is not easy for me. A therapist who helps me to unravel the clues, the clues I then take into my world to find the logs for the fire I am building. My fire. It is a nice visual on this cold day – to be building yourself a fire. Log by log. A warm, bright, welcoming, powerful fire.

I participated in a heart chakra workshop last week. The safety I felt in the presence of these women is not something I have experienced in this transition to living here. Perhaps, it is because rather than moving into an exisiting community this move we moved into one that is transient. Perhaps this brings a type of uncertain energy. Certainly, since arriving my optimism and natural sense of enchantment has been tested. A scary encounter with a narcissist when we arrived here with our hearts so full of wonder, and pockets filled with hope and excitement after travelling for months. Months that turned into years of the not so nice masculine energy arriving each day into our home as our house was renovated. And the pandemic with its implications of living with yourself, your partner, with children, abroad and far away from home.

Maybe in coping with all of the above I was unable to be in anyone’s space with grace. When you are in flight, fight, freeze or fawn perhaps the only way to feel safe is to build yourself a fortress. But what happens when you are ready to be you again? Is it a case of dropping the drawbridge and stepping back out into the world? It hasn’t been for me. A bewildered state is a tricky place to operate from in the world. Being in your mess and at the same time trying to be in peace. Is it even possible to be both? I know it is now. With a welcoming doormat out for the triggers and the stinging nettle I can realise what is not for me and what is me. What I need to embrace, to let go and what is in process.

As Erica shared her story of grief and led us through a chakra cleansing and yoga practice, I didn’t feel alone in my bewilderment. Other women in the workshop were able to share themselves with the camera on and in storytelling. I wasn’t, not in that moment. But I needed to be there, I have never felt so safe and so held. There was no judgement and there was no fortress, there was simply honesty and love for each other and for ourselves. I guess this is true vulnerability. Again, a word that is used so often but so hard to really experience in its truest form. I will begin a 7-month chakra healing course with Erica next week. Feel free to join in if this calls you, it is an invitation for self-love. Yet another word that we hear a lot but is not always easy to experience. You can take one class to see if this is a log for your fire.

Cycles are aligned with my purpose. Living through them, feeling them, ending them and starting with new beginnings. This is according to my human design profile. At first I was slightly peeved about this. I am tired. Tired of beginnings and tired of endings. But life is cycles. I realise the longer I sit in force against this current cycle of my life – the harder it is, the more I will miss. So I am choosing to flow with it. To flow with the feelings, to hold some space for me to deal with the grief of what feels like loss. Yes, I have come to realise since the workshop that I am in grief. I think I knew this during the pandemic but I didn’t know how to be in it. To dedicate the space to process it. To hold a healing space for myself.

Since the workshop, each morning I sit in an online guided and silent meditation. This is my space. This space that creates more space. It is flow. This morning we were left with a question … what brings you joy, what lights up your soul? As I walked Tilly after my meditation in the deliciously crisp, winter air I heard the birds. I looked up to see them chattering in the bare trees. The pigeon to the blackbird. After our walk I returned to the tree with my camera. Taking photos brings me joy, listening to the birds brings me joy. Writing brings me joy. Chattering away about life, being human brings me joy. Feeling myself as part of the natural world brings me joy. This space here with you brings me joy. I hope to come back more often and share with you some of the stories and clues that have given me the tools to find my way home. xx

Travel

I am listening …

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‘It didn’t matter if I got bitten by a dog or I ripped my pants on the fence post or I poked myself in the eye with a tree branch that I was crawling over, it was all about the shortcut. My whole life I took the shortcut, and I ended up lost.’ – Anthony Kedis.

Is the frequency shifting out there? For a moment there, there seemed to be a lot of confusion in my world and in the world of a lot of people around me. It was getting a bit raw for a while. In the past years there has been a lot of excess noise. It has cluttered my perspective and clouded my intuition. So, I did a few things.

I decided I didn’t need to decide about anything. I don’t really know what to do about things right now. I just need to sit still and see how things play out.

I read a book, slowly. Atomic Habits. I haven’t begun mastering my habits but my thinking has been shifting and there’s movement and importantly, there’s been action. Small steps. Beginnings.

I got nostalgic and I started filling my walls and frames with memories. The shot above is one of those. How small they were. How mobile we were, moving with life as it unfolded, needing only each other. It was actually a bit painful, I miss them as little people. But the sadness was necessary to understand where we are and why perhaps my feet are a little itchy!

I cleared the 4,000 emails from my inbox. It took a day. Mostly, I filed them away, it was pleasantly cathartic. It took me through the last few years. There were definitely periods where I was overloaded, I saw them clearly as I went back in time. Those periods were put in folders and cleared from the inbox, they are in the past.

There was a period of time where (through necessity) we shopped online and as a result I was on far too many mailing lists. Now, when a new email comes in from a mailing list I simply hit unsubscribe. It has made room for emails to come in from mailing lists I am interested in. Like this one!

I booked a camino. Next week I will step back on where I left the Northern trail last October. I will hike the next 100kms. I’ve been packing ahead of time, this is a bit of a shift for the me of late. Those joyful salves of excitement and hope are returning. My flights have all been cancelled at least once, but I’ve rebooked each leg and I’m prepared for disruption. I’ll pack a book, a journal and I have music. And I am one of the world’s people watchers, happy to be amongst life rather than the centre of it.

I put a few invites into the universe for my hike. I was going anyhow of course but, there were a few people I’d have liked to have hiked and talked with and I wondered if perhaps they might like or need it too Timing wasn’t right for them. I’m still hiking. I have no problem hiking alone, you have to be able to create what you need. Be your own hero. Oh and here’s a little story … I recently got my own invite to share a trail with a cool chick in September. I said yes.

I took a trip with my number three on a whim. I took a ride on a waterslide one time because he really wanted me too. I gave him more responsibility because he asked for it. I basically said yes more often to him and I began to realise what a force he is. I have much to learn from him. He is good for me.

I started growing things again. I am ridicuoulsly happy to be able to pick fresh food from the rooftop garden. It definitely generates better meals. These past years, where we have been living under construction have cost a lot in terms of habits, health, traditions and rhythms. Is is nice to be in a place to step back in to what matters without chaos. Chaos – the energy vampire.

Somewhere along the way I stopped drinking coffee. I thought perhaps my nervous system might appreciate it. It has. It’s not a hard and fast thing, I’m just trying it and I have had the odd coffee. I am trying a few things with food. I’m far from forming these changes as hard habits but that’s ok. I’m working out who I want to be in five years. Is that someone who eats meat? Someone who eats gluten? And I am working on being that person. It is a process.

I’ve been to a few gigs and festivals. I am listening to a lot of music, new and old and I’m reading from the ‘musical biography’ genre. It.Is.Literally.Rocking.My.World. Setting off all kinds of sparks. So many intertwined stories. Absolutely fascinating. I have been craving this – curiosity.

I’ve started phoning people for real talks. I am really toying with deleting what’s ap. It is too hard right now but I am working on it. I’ve made more time to be with people. I need people more than I realise. My people. I’m zoning in on them. Sharing, laughing, crying with them. Phone me friends, if you need chats and catch ups. I can’t promise I will pick up, I am still me but I am trying harder.

Slowly, decisions are happening. Leaving some things behind and generating motion through small steps always creates the space for something happen. Flow begins to weave its way into daily life. I’ve begun the process of untying myself from commitments that compromise my values, well, just one. I can’t pretend anymore, life goes too fast. My world needs to expand.

I’ve been trying to find out something about myself, about where I am going with my life. It is the key to creating habits and in taking my next steps. As I write this rough, cobbled together little post it seems clear now that being of service has been a common message I’ve been drawn to. I do want to be of service, in an assertive, curious, creative, make things, life changing possibly loud, adventure driven kinda way. So my habits, my day to day life needs to reflect this identity.

Woah. Step one James (the author of Atomic Habits)! I have identified my identity – now to find my way, the long way. Who knew this was where this post would end up. Actually it seems to be a path I am jumping back on after taking some time out to get lost. It will look a little different though because I am.

I better get my camera out of the back of the draw.

And hey look where I am – I decided to write again. I am not sure where this will go. I do know is it is important to me and it has been gently whispering ‘come back, come back’ so I listened.

I am listening.

xx

Life, Travel

Can one be suitably outraged, contented and peaceful all at once?

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For a little while I have been thinking about blogging again. I miss it. The getting to know people through their stories. The new ideas, perspectives, the clarity it brings and the personal nature of it. I do wonder … does it even exist anymore, the blogosphere? Hello, is anybody out there? Or has it become something else, something I seek that used to exist. Is blogging simply a thing from the past that I pine for. Lately, I seem to pine for past things, past times. Times that can’t return. I can’t go back and yet I am unsure about which way is forward. So, I guess I will do what I do in these times, I will write.

It seems hard to feel excited about the future when the world is warming, fighting, trapped in an online vortex of some sort of bullshit alternate reality and it’s becoming so ridiculously expensive to live in, how can all of this be sustainable? And yet, everyday the world goes on and I do want to feel excited about that, and about life. I do want to have hope, adventure, fun times, laugher, good food, joy and sadness with my people and to live in my natural state of optimism. But … I don’t want to do that at the cost of living in denial about the world. How do we call bullshit on the bullshit and live peacefully, contentedly at the same time?

After being away from Australia for over 5 years I do feel the pull back. There are a lot of things I miss. I miss all things ‘Aussie’ish’. The things that are Aussie to me. My family, friends, the bush, the beach, the smashed avo and egg breakfasts, the humour, the language that shortens all words, the familiarity, the ease in which we are open, the 5 TV channels, all the things really and of course the warm weather. Maybe it’s belonging to something that’s a big part of me, of who I am that I crave. And for whatever reason I haven’t managed to create that sense of belonging to here – to where I am.

Yesterday, I said to a friend ‘I don’t think I have caught up to where I am in my life’. I am in such a different phase to the one we were in when we landed here. We arrived with young kids, a huge adventure on the horizon and now we have teens who are almost adults. When we left, I felt a world of possibility … and for a while there was this great sense of something new being built. The world seemed so big, anything, everything seemed possible. I felt on the cusp of something. What was that cusp though? And where did I climb down from walking towards it? What was it that stopped me in my tracks? Did I even stop in my tracks, or am I taking a longer route, an alternative route?

I am, of course, very much here and while a clear path back to Australia doesn’t seem to be looking at us right now there are lots of things I enjoy and love about this life. Train to Paris anyone? Take the bike kids! Oh I’ll be hiking a part of the Northern Camino for a bit, toodles. We have built something amazing, but still, something feels like it is missing. I should be able to find it here … right. The missing puzzle piece. I mean, I know the grass is never greener. Fact. And in the quiet when I think about what I miss the most about my ‘old’ life (aside from Aussie’ness) it is the doing of something that matters. I want to be someone who stands for something, for many things. For most of my life I have had a job where that’s been my day to day. From teaching kids at risk to supporting women in childbirth. Right now, I seem to be in an apathetic state. I don’t feel like I fit in here. I just don’t know how, or where to fight ‘the good fight’. What even is the good fight right now?

Some days I feel I am living in complete culture shock. I don’t understand the world. The big world and my smaller world. I know I’m not someone who wants to be super loud. I am no politician, and I am not striving for a leadership or big job. But I do want to do something that matters. Writing is this little thing I do, often in the quiet and and it does matter. It helps me to make sense of my world and sometimes it seems to also help others. Words can be magical like that. And when I’m lost in writing all the other not so important things, seem, well, just so not important.

In this post pandemic, post yearlong renovation, post kids growing faster than I have been able to keep up with time – I really need to find which way is North again. I think it’s changed for me and in this phase of my life, it isn’t so clear cut! The way forward really isn’t obvious. Decisions seem momentous with far reaching consequences. Where will the children end up, where will I grow old. And there is the simple fact that I am a lot less ‘cartwheely’ these days about the whole process of life and change. I can’t quite summon the energy for huge expectations and outrageously gung-ho plans. Which ironically and so not like me – I kind of like. This feels peaceful in its own way.

I did very simple things yesterday. I played music most of the day, I cooked a favorite meal for one of my loved from scratch, I started regrowing spring onions. I had some lovely conversation where there were no answers, but questions were asked. I started thinking about decisions without needing to make any. I think it is in these small things that the big things can unfold. And I was suitably outraged when I learnt that petrol is coming up through the sinks in a suburb south of Sydney. As well as the flooding. Climate change is happening in real time, I wasn’t wrong about that years ago when I left. Am I outraged by the fact that this is happening without consequence for those in power, or is it that I’m in a languishing, apathetic way that outrages me.

OMG I have reverted to being someone who apologises for taking up space. Have I become a bootlicker? What scared me? Who scared me? Last night in my outrage, I did send off a message to the universe (via the insta world 🤪) seeking a sign, willing myself to find some momentum and I did buy a sweater that said ‘if you’re not angry. you’re not taking notice’. So yeah, look, I’m pretty outraged at the world and myself for being a privileged ass.

Yes, dear friends it is time to face myself and to go in search of something. In search of a tribe maybe, or of myself and most definitely of my strength and courage. ROAR. It’s time to catch up to where I am before yet another year passes. To be outraged with bullshitand to be peaceful and contented with where I am. I don’t know how to solve the climate change problem or all the world’s injustices and I am ok with that. What I’m not ok with is not trying. There was a time when I was was sooo here and so connected that when I walked in the woods I could feel the pain of Mother Earth. I felt she spoke to me one time, I even stopped to write a poem. I am not sure why I’ve put my woo woo self to sleep. Perhaps, there have been too many other voices and just too many people with a different kind of energy around me. It’s just become too crowded. I know I need to wake her up though. I am certain of that. I need the woo woo. It is the essence of who I am and when I am in that space, I can see the North star.

So unapologetically in I go …