It lives within me, a part of my essence. The more I feed it the more I feel it. The more I feel it the more restless it makes me. A restlessness I have indulged throughout my life. I have shape shifted as a result of it throughout the seasons and transitions of my life. I have come to learn that ignoring it is at my peril, for fearing it as I have found myself doing is rather deadly.

“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what’s left and live it properly. What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.” ― Marcus Aurelius

Morbid? Maybe. But death is morbidity. Do I want to slowly die everyday or do I want to let the fear die. Do I want to feed my essence, the part that lives within me, that is me. The part that can’t be anyone else but me. The part that is me underneath the labels. The woman who lives underneath the daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, neighbour, worker, etc. The me, the only one who knows all my secrets and experiences within this life.

Let me share a little secret with you. I love her. I love feeding her essence and feeling her breathe those deep fulfilled breaths. I love feeling like her. Like she is home within me. She isn’t all knowing. How can she be all knowing when it comes to life and everyone else? She can only know herself. She dreams her own dreams.

Perhaps that is what wisdom is. To simply know yourself, to respond to life in a way that honours yourself and respects others. To be responsible for your life and your choices but not at the expense of your own essence. To meet yourself right where you are in the moment and phase of life you are in. To belong there.

My younger self was good a meeting myself wherever I was. I could go where I needed to go, things could always be deferred. There is always more time, more opportunities. I was pliable and mortality, I was lucky, it happened somewhere else – in another reality. Of course it is privileged to live without fear, a privilege my younger self took for granted. I hope my kids also know life without fear – the places it can take you! I also hope they don’t defer important considerations. I hope they honour themselves.

Fear caught me eventually, it found me in the past few years and I have spent some time learning to tame it. I tried for a while but I no longer want to ignore fear, it has been very real. Fear has taught me things. I’ve had to get close and dangle myself into the crevices to touch it, to sit alongside it. I’ve had to feel it in my heartbeat, my nervousness, regrets and at times my sadness. I’ve had to be honest with myself and keep prying those crevices open and dig and dig until I could find familiar ground, safe ground. It has taught me to know who I am, albeit with a little more grace. It has taught me to make choices thar honour who I am. Ironically getting to know fear has taught me to stop being scared.

When did I start being scared? Probably when the world went crazy and everyone started acting as though opinions were facts, when people were locked in and out of their homes and countries and when intuition and feeling got lost in the hyperactivity of this ‘on’ world. I got her in the maze of noise, in homesickness and culture shock, in bad habits and just the normal life changes. We all face periods in life when the shit storm hits. I guess it was just my turn. Dang I reacted, no gentle and mature responding here. I like to think it has now helped me learn to be more compassionate and understanding of others.

Totally off track, but you know me – I like to go deep. I’ve been away from this style of writing, of writing to share. I’ve been living and learning. I am ready to tell some stories again and what I wanted to tell you about what just how wonderful things can be when you clear the spaces in the crevices that are no longer serving you. If you are looking for peace you need to create space for wonder. Wonder is like wild flowers in spring, it will grow up and out of the crevices if you’ve opened them to let the sun in.

It’s been a full month, a full year. I started strength training. Five weeks in to what is now a non negotiable for me, building a strong body. I feel very lucky. Late last year I asked the Dr for a bone scan. Not because I have had any symptoms and touch wood no breaks or fractures but because my mum has osteoporosis I wanted to check. The stats for women when it comes to preventable aging diseases are actually criminally high. Anyway, the scan revealed I do in fact need to consider taking care of my bone density. Especially, if I want to be hiking up and down mountains for the rest of my life. First it scared me (like everything else) then it became a turning point for me. It has made this next phase of my life very clear. I will live with the intention of aging in the healthiest way possible. Physically, mentally and socially. There is not room for deferring and putting things off until tomorrow.

Last week I received a letter. It almost scared me. I knew it would have some magic in it, good magic. It was a handwritten letter from a friend. A dear friend who writes beautiful words, who lives by the seasons and had a deep love for the moon. She is a mentor to me in many ways. Her words are always from well thought thoughts, lived experience and her deep connection with life and honesty.

This story has so many parts, I am still not at the part of what I wanted to write about but context is part of the story. I hope I haven’t lost you. What I wanted to say when I opened this page was… that in this time of coming back to what is important and meeting myself here in this moment, not just who I am now and what I need, but also who I have always been, the she that has been stuck at the bottom of the crevice as life began filling the spaces these past few years. How patient she has been. She feels a little more mature, maybe she grew up!?! She is no longer racing to the next thing when the restlessness rises, but noticing that her wild essence can be filled in ways that keep her where she is.

It can be filled with:

• delaying gratification, saving a letter for the day you need some magic, something to shake you out of the lull that set in during week

• not making the bed and choosing to go and write for the whole day or to read a book, tomorrow can be an organised day again

• leaving a day free to see what happens, like today where I find myself out of the blue out to lunch (with myself) resurrecting my writing career

• giving things up to start new things, swapping a cleaner for a gym session

• saying yes to an opportunity that scares the shit out of me, but feels right – to be a guest speaker at a women’s hiking conference

• saying no to entertaining the requests from friends to collaborate and create websites or businesses because that’s just not me

• getting drenched in the rain twice in one week while out walking and embracing it

• celebrating having made so many changes in habits that will create longevity over deficit. Celebrating all the wins

• recognising that so much of what I have learnt in regards to health, fitness and wellness needs to be unlearnt

• meeting those in my life where they are without expectations and projections

• breaking up with the ‘on’ world. Charging my phone away from your body. Remembering to check in with myself when I wake up, not the rest of the world. Being unapologetic about that

• realising that the world is full of lovely people and those kind interactions are just waiting for me to engage in, everyday

• taking a bath in the middle of the day

• picking three songs that speak to me and where I am right now, playing them each day. Let them keep me honest

• adding some colour to a pot

• clearing space for change, for the next phase of my life as this chapter closes. One drawer, one cupboard, one room, one bench, one inbox at a time

• read, read, read

• ask for what I need/want

• do things in a different way
• Work with what I have, not with wanting more

• know it’s not all in my control, but today is and today is leading to me towards the things that matter, that truly matter to me

• say what I need to say, not everything you I to say

• know who I love and love them hard

Ok, that is probably enough now. I’ll hit publish and put myself back into this secret world that is writing and sharing and connecting. Feel free to write to me personally or in the comments if you too feel like writing or sharing or connecting. Where will this go? Who knows! But for now in this day I am back to writing myself into this next chapter. A chapter that is chomping at my feet and showing me exactly which way to go if I notice and slowly stay in my own flow. It’s time. I am ready.

Fran x