The wildflower season is in full bloom in europe and everywhere you look it is spectacular. These flowers come with an abundance of energy and for me a longing for more. More fun, more outside, more big’ness, more tastes, more adventure, more interesting things. More WILD. But hey, WILD – what even is WILD.
Last night I went to post a photoon the gram of our first (well my first) swim for the season. That post was meant to have 2 sentence caption and before I knew it those two sentences were three paragraphs. It seems those wildflowers and their season also unleashes my well of creativity. When I start gramming like that, I KNOW I need to get writing. Creating.
Swimming in the lake, dinner on the mini bbq, laying on a towel watching the people who do such things on a school night got me feeling and thinking. Feeling like of all the things I could be doing (or not doing) this is exactly where I wanted to be. In fact I think I needed to be here. Here being reminded that we can be wild in our daily life, that everything has the potential to be reframed. If we are game enough, wild enough.
Wear those red shoes, your funky jacket, phone a friend don’t text, notice the birds, notice the flower, put the flower in your hair, go for a late night tapa with your partner/friend, be honest with someone, be honest with yourself, get some people together who don’t know each other but you love, try a new way of doing or thinking about something, say I love you more, download a language ap., delete a time wasting ap., say no, say yes – WILD. Yes WILD. Gosh I love the energy of this season!
Cheers to WILD friends. Oh and speaking off … I am packing. I’m going on a long walk and I am excited and a bit nervous. But it is going to be WILD. Spontaneous trips are. Especially when you’re trusting in fate and life and that everything will all be ok without you. Letting go – also WILD.
Anyways, I’m writing about it over at Your Camino. So meet me there if you want to escape to Northern Spain for next few weeks. I’ll try to remember to post my Friday postcard.
“The simple everyday experiences become the doorway to new thoughts and inspirations.” – E. A. Bucchianeri
Hello sweet friends,
Have you had a wo-ah moment lately. That simple moment of noticing something that all of a sudden speaks to you. And you get it, the penny drops! Take for instance this week’s postcard. A shot from my daily walk. Do you see it, the great big doorway at the end of the avenue of trees? I walk this forest path regularly and on this day I was quite honestly captivated! How is it that on this day, it was the first time I had noticed this doorway.
How about the invitation from the gentle hues? Do they speak to you? A gentle reminder that sometimes that big doorway, though big and scary at first, may well actually be where the the sweetness is. On the otherside.
When we left off in my last postcard I was planning the next section of my ‘Home to Rome’ walk. I promised you I’d be sending you a postcard from there. Alas, life happened. Lurgy struck the household. While it is easy to say no when I can’t do something, there was a nagging voice ‘… uurgh you’ve written this whole spiel in your last postcard about following cues and now you’re not even going’. I needed this walk, but also I needed to be home. The choice was easy. But what about the cues, the calling, the thing I was doing for me?
Doorways have been on my mind. What is my next big one, the one that is going to smash open the banality of what has started to feel on some days like a small life. Small town monotony and a life of tasks for others. A day or two into the cancelled Belgian walk plans, my husband’s work trip scheduled for early July cancelled. Ooooh now this blew open some weeks on the family calendar, days where I wouldn’t be the ‘needed’ adult. I should take them, the weeks/months ahead are busy. Maybe, I could actually go a little further south. Maybe, I could walk my next section of the Camino del Norte.
So yes, that is now happening. I am not picking up my camino from ‘Home to Rome’ but in fact my ‘Camino del Norte’ project. So it has taken me sometime to find the words to write about this shift. With so many changes of plans in the past years and this nagging feeling of ‘what am I doing with my life’, I was struggling to yet again not be doing something I had committed to. Determined not to fall into the ‘woe is me’ spiral I often found myself last year, I kept walking and I kept taking notice. Open.
The doorway got me feeling, but also it got me thinking. It isn’t such a bad thing to be someone who isn’t rigid in their path. Aside from the reality that this is life for me right now. Living abroad with four big kids where stuff happens and plans change, we change – daily. This shape shifting, or my need to shape shift is simply my character. It’s a part of me and I need to remember how to embrace it, to be in touch with it, to work with it from where I am and to not resist it.
Maybe, the first door is simply the one that opens into the hallway?! And hallway is the entrance into the next chapter, into your life of opportunities. Maybe from here it is ok to open doors, close doors, sit in a room for a while, move to another room, go back, find a new room, see where that goes, bring something from one room to another. Friends, I think I am on an a new kind adventure. I’m not even sure what it is, or where it’s going, but it feels a bit exciting. And it feels like it should go slow, no promises or big challenges (not yet). Just … when the moments and opportunities present themselves and they feel right – I should GRAB them, invest in them. Invest in myself.
In my head I am living in a story, a secret world where only I can escape into. Protecting this story with boundaries and truth feels like a most important thing. There’s dreaming, dancing, fairytales, romance, suspense, curiosity, interesting characters and it feels oh so bloody delicious when I am there. I have lived and learnt a lot of over the past few years and now it’s time to trust in life again. To give in. Oh AND I can’t stop writing. Writing feels like it is a big part of what is happening. That doorway, that one end of the avenue that seemed to say ‘don’t be scared, look there are soft pink cushions for you to land on, to sink safely into’ maybe, it was in fact a doorway back into a creative life via bravery. And creativity teamed with bravery, well that friends is a powerful elixir – isn’t it!
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
Maya Angelou
Hello lovelies!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what comes next. When is the next new path going to appear, the one that feels like the right one to plant the seeds. If I was the praying type I’d be praying for the next door to appear. I’m not, instead I’ve been wishing for it. Dear universe, please give me a hint. A clue to find you.
💫🚪💫
Last week while out walking I captured this blog’s accompanying photo. A field of wild flowers, buttercups. I’ve walked these woods for the past 5 springs and never have I ever seen this field in bloom like this. Along my well worn, regularly walked, at times a tad boring path – on this day, this difference caught my attention. My first clue. I knew I’d come back to this picture. There was something about it.
on this day
A field of wild flowers did seem like the perfect postcard to send you from my little corner of Europe. It sparked the idea of this blog transitioning into a postcard for you from europe. An little rhyme to accompany your postcard came to me one night while I was drifting off. A sweet way to share this image.
plenty came to play
and all it wanted to say
was have a beautiful day
Perhaps the beauty of this field planted a seed. Hmm how does this work? Do I plant the seeds for what comes next or are the seeds already planted for me? Is it for me to notice and water them?
I sat with my photo and it’s rhyme a little longer.
Each evening I’ve been hopping into live daily blogs written by pilgrims hiking along the camino. The photos of wildflowers in bloom have been spectacular as have the vibes from the trail in their daily debriefs (daily joy Mel). They are triggering some familiar stirrings in me. The desire to go away and walk, a long walk. Hmm a clue perhaps!?
I’ve a long list of blog posts to write for my new your camino site but something has been holding me back. Blank. Boring. They needed soul, some context. An actual camino. Wouldn’t writing a post about toiletries be more fun if they were actually getting packed! Yes, another clue.
Now I’m confused. ‘It’s the pilgrimage home to Oz I long for though isn’t it’ I thought. And yet that is not on the cards for me right now. My life is here. But where is that damn door that’s going to make these next two years of my life – a life that’s lived like I mean it!? I want more than getting by – I want a fierce, bold, adventurous and wildly lived life. No regrets. No quiet mouse. No timidly shaking under the weight of what if, what might. Uugghh why is reinventing myself so hard right now. Wait, there’s another clue.
The memes say you shouldn’t look back, only forward. I’ve been trying that, but memes I disagree. To move forward sometimes we have to go back. Look back at where we’ve been, who we were, what lit our soul on fire. There the clues to know who you are can be found. I read some of my writing from 2016, yes, now I remember why I’m here. I was also scrolling my instagram today looking for a photo for someone. That little online photo album showed me something. It showed me when I was fierce, bold, adventurous and wild and it wasn’t even that long ago. The time when I trusted in who I am and where I was. Wo-ah. BIG clue.
In a conversation with someone recently, they shared an ‘opinion’ of something we should do and right away the penny dropped. I won’t be able to step into abundance again if I carry these ever so frequently shared scarcity based opinions. I can’t do it the way other people do it. I.Never.Have. Clue.
My mind shifted. So many shifts lately it’s actually hard to stay on track. I hope I’m making sense. You see I’ve been heavily weighed down by the ‘family’ project. Where do we need to be? This big transition we’re in, what does it need? And then I’m frustrated because actually right now what we need is to be here. But I’m not here. Not really.
I googled ‘what’s a project for a 50 year old’. I know I need a passion, something that feverishly excites me. I’ve always had one. The long term family project, I can think about it but it’s in the seed stage. It’s not yet something I can act on. But in my reading of camino blogs, my writing archives and my photos I started to remember something, there is a path that is open and waiting…
‘Perhaps I’ll go walk the next stage of the norte camino next week’ I thought. Could I make that happen? No, it’s very costly to do at a whim, time and financially. A dear friend, one whose opinions are of the abundance camp (love you Gen) suggested last week that I pop on the train and pick up my ‘Home to Rome’ walk again. A seed not a clue.
Last weekend we were in Maastricht for a weekend of hiking and camping. I came home fully alive from being in those hills. My favourite part of The Netherlands I declared. And you know the last place where I left off from my Home to Rome pilgrimage? Yep, Maastricht. A clue or a seed? You choose.
My next google search was Maastricht to Belgium hiking and wouldn’t you know it … there’s a pilgrim path that leaves Maastricht to Namur. Via monsana it’s called and it hooks up with more pilgrim paths. Paths that lead to via francigena which is the path that will ultimately take me to Rome.
So there you are! Lots of little clues leading me back to my ‘Home to Rome’ project. A project to take me forward. And it doesn’t feel like the past because it’s a new trail, just one I’m picking up from where I left off. Maybe I don’t need to reinvent myself. I just need to find myself again, to pick up where I left off and to work out how to future proof myself because life is changing! As it does.
So sometime next week, hopefully your postcard will come from via monsana!
Till then BIG love,
Fran xx
Here’s another postcard snap from one of my walks! In the past these sorts of shots were a daily occurrence for me. How sweet it is to take a beautiful photo.
Listening. This is where we left off. Listening to who and to what? I was open. I did not know. And given it has taken me 5 months to be back in the space where I can write. My heart space. It appears I was more disconnected from myself than even I knew. Not only myself really but the world in general. My energy was scattered. I was throwing it all over the place, and nowhere. I can’t write from that place. This isn’t something I am writing for you to feel sad about, nor am I sad in writing this. The opposite. Recognising we are disconnected shows we are feeling. And feeling, well that is always an invitation. These are the whispers from our soul …
The feelings are the first clues. Frustrated, sad, nervous, anxious, scared, unsafe, lonely – when and why? Some people refer to these invitations as triggers. I too have used this word. But a trigger left unexamined, will always be that. A trigger. And in all honesty it gets tiring to be continually triggered. A trigger examined, this is growth, the good kind. We get to change a script, or make a new choice. This is where the rainbow kisses the sea, beautiful freedom. Of course, we will never be free of feeling all the feelings, nor should we try to be. Life is feeling feels, we need them. How do we become activists (shit givers) without getting angry or sad first? But there is also bliss, joy, contentment, satisfaction and love. How sweet it seems to imagine there is a place where we can feel these feelings, all of them. And to be in the space where they can be felt together, together in peace, together in meaning.
Recently I’ve spent quite a bit of time acknowledging my ‘triggers’. Some of them I’ve felt before, others are completely new. In all of my life I have never felt so bewildered by all the ‘triggers’, ok maybe as a teen that was a bewildering time for me. I thought perhaps I could hide from them. Close in from the world and resort to behaviours that meant I could feel them less. This of course hasn’t worked. Self sabotage never does. There isn’t a block of chocolate big enough to erase homesickness, a glass of wine big enough to ease feelings of once again hearing the viciousness of small town gossip and rumours, the loneliness of compromising yourself in what isn’t your tribe, a long hike that pushes you hard but not enough to rid yourself of your darkness – it all just waits for you to finish having your nice escapes.
And yet, closing in is also exactly what I needed. Leaving a job to acknowledge this time where I felt burnt out by the society I live in. Some time to be out of the paths I frequently cross, the stinging nettle I kept bouncing against and some space from the power of this new weapon of warfare against authenticity; the bullshit that is the internet in our pocket, the software that is programmed to derail us though brainwashing, disconnection and a blame culture. Perhaps this makes me sound angry, I’m not. I’m rather happy to have been able to write this. It means I am less bewildered and able to verbalise what has been choking me. It also means I am here again for you, holding this space.
Recently, I’ve become aware of exactly what it is to hold space. I learnt this because some beautiful people held space for me. Friends who listened, friends who accepted that I don’t always have the energy right now to commit. I have a therapist who allows me the time to go where I need, and senses when I can dig in – this verbalising of what is buried is not easy for me. A therapist who helps me to unravel the clues, the clues I then take into my world to find the logs for the fire I am building. My fire. It is a nice visual on this cold day – to be building yourself a fire. Log by log. A warm, bright, welcoming, powerful fire.
I participated in a heart chakra workshop last week. The safety I felt in the presence of these women is not something I have experienced in this transition to living here. Perhaps, it is because rather than moving into an exisiting community this move we moved into one that is transient. Perhaps this brings a type of uncertain energy. Certainly, since arriving my optimism and natural sense of enchantment has been tested. A scary encounter with a narcissist when we arrived here with our hearts so full of wonder, and pockets filled with hope and excitement after travelling for months. Months that turned into years of the not so nice masculine energy arriving each day into our home as our house was renovated. And the pandemic with its implications of living with yourself, your partner, with children, abroad and far away from home.
Maybe in coping with all of the above I was unable to be in anyone’s space with grace. When you are in flight, fight, freeze or fawn perhaps the only way to feel safe is to build yourself a fortress. But what happens when you are ready to be you again? Is it a case of dropping the drawbridge and stepping back out into the world? It hasn’t been for me. A bewildered state is a tricky place to operate from in the world. Being in your mess and at the same time trying to be in peace. Is it even possible to be both? I know it is now. With a welcoming doormat out for the triggers and the stinging nettle I can realise what is not for me and what is me. What I need to embrace, to let go and what is in process.
As Erica shared her story of grief and led us through a chakra cleansing and yoga practice, I didn’t feel alone in my bewilderment. Other women in the workshop were able to share themselves with the camera on and in storytelling. I wasn’t, not in that moment. But I needed to be there, I have never felt so safe and so held. There was no judgement and there was no fortress, there was simply honesty and love for each other and for ourselves. I guess this is true vulnerability. Again, a word that is used so often but so hard to really experience in its truest form. I will begin a 7-month chakra healing course with Erica next week. Feel free to join in if this calls you, it is an invitation for self-love. Yet another word that we hear a lot but is not always easy to experience. You can take one class to see if this is a log for your fire.
Cycles are aligned with my purpose. Living through them, feeling them, ending them and starting with new beginnings. This is according to my human design profile. At first I was slightly peeved about this. I am tired. Tired of beginnings and tired of endings. But life is cycles. I realise the longer I sit in force against this current cycle of my life – the harder it is, the more I will miss. So I am choosing to flow with it. To flow with the feelings, to hold some space for me to deal with the grief of what feels like loss. Yes, I have come to realise since the workshop that I am in grief. I think I knew this during the pandemic but I didn’t know how to be in it. To dedicate the space to process it. To hold a healing space for myself.
Since the workshop, each morning I sit in an online guided and silent meditation. This is my space. This space that creates more space. It is flow. This morning we were left with a question … what brings you joy, what lights up your soul? As I walked Tilly after my meditation in the deliciously crisp, winter air I heard the birds. I looked up to see them chattering in the bare trees. The pigeon to the blackbird. After our walk I returned to the tree with my camera. Taking photos brings me joy, listening to the birds brings me joy. Writing brings me joy. Chattering away about life, being human brings me joy. Feeling myself as part of the natural world brings me joy. This space here with you brings me joy. I hope to come back more often and share with you some of the stories and clues that have given me the tools to find my way home. xx
‘It didn’t matter if I got bitten by a dog or I ripped my pants on the fence post or I poked myself in the eye with a tree branch that I was crawling over, it was all about the shortcut. My whole life I took the shortcut, and I ended up lost.’ – Anthony Kedis.
Is the frequency shifting out there? For a moment there, there seemed to be a lot of confusion in my world and in the world of a lot of people around me. It was getting a bit raw for a while. In the past years there has been a lot of excess noise. It has cluttered my perspective and clouded my intuition. So, I did a few things.
I decided I didn’t need to decide about anything. I don’t really know what to do about things right now. I just need to sit still and see how things play out.
I read a book, slowly. Atomic Habits. I haven’t begun mastering my habits but my thinking has been shifting and there’s movement and importantly, there’s been action. Small steps. Beginnings.
I got nostalgic and I started filling my walls and frames with memories. The shot above is one of those. How small they were. How mobile we were, moving with life as it unfolded, needing only each other. It was actually a bit painful, I miss them as little people. But the sadness was necessary to understand where we are and why perhaps my feet are a little itchy!
I cleared the 4,000 emails from my inbox. It took a day. Mostly, I filed them away, it was pleasantly cathartic. It took me through the last few years. There were definitely periods where I was overloaded, I saw them clearly as I went back in time. Those periods were put in folders and cleared from the inbox, they are in the past.
There was a period of time where (through necessity) we shopped online and as a result I was on far too many mailing lists. Now, when a new email comes in from a mailing list I simply hit unsubscribe. It has made room for emails to come in from mailing lists I am interested in. Like this one!
I booked a camino. Next week I will step back on where I left the Northern trail last October. I will hike the next 100kms. I’ve been packing ahead of time, this is a bit of a shift for the me of late. Those joyful salves of excitement and hope are returning. My flights have all been cancelled at least once, but I’ve rebooked each leg and I’m prepared for disruption. I’ll pack a book, a journal and I have music. And I am one of the world’s people watchers, happy to be amongst life rather than the centre of it.
I put a few invites into the universe for my hike. I was going anyhow of course but, there were a few people I’d have liked to have hiked and talked with and I wondered if perhaps they might like or need it too Timing wasn’t right for them. I’m still hiking. I have no problem hiking alone, you have to be able to create what you need. Be your own hero. Oh and here’s a little story … I recently got my own invite to share a trail with a cool chick in September. I said yes.
I took a trip with my number three on a whim. I took a ride on a waterslide one time because he really wanted me too. I gave him more responsibility because he asked for it. I basically said yes more often to him and I began to realise what a force he is. I have much to learn from him. He is good for me.
I started growing things again. I am ridicuoulsly happy to be able to pick fresh food from the rooftop garden. It definitely generates better meals. These past years, where we have been living under construction have cost a lot in terms of habits, health, traditions and rhythms. Is is nice to be in a place to step back in to what matters without chaos. Chaos – the energy vampire.
Somewhere along the way I stopped drinking coffee. I thought perhaps my nervous system might appreciate it. It has. It’s not a hard and fast thing, I’m just trying it and I have had the odd coffee. I am trying a few things with food. I’m far from forming these changes as hard habits but that’s ok. I’m working out who I want to be in five years. Is that someone who eats meat? Someone who eats gluten? And I am working on being that person. It is a process.
I’ve been to a few gigs and festivals. I am listening to a lot of music, new and old and I’m reading from the ‘musical biography’ genre. It.Is.Literally.Rocking.My.World. Setting off all kinds of sparks. So many intertwined stories. Absolutely fascinating. I have been craving this – curiosity.
I’ve started phoning people for real talks. I am really toying with deleting what’s ap. It is too hard right now but I am working on it. I’ve made more time to be with people. I need people more than I realise. My people. I’m zoning in on them. Sharing, laughing, crying with them. Phone me friends, if you need chats and catch ups. I can’t promise I will pick up, I am still me but I am trying harder.
Slowly, decisions are happening. Leaving some things behind and generating motion through small steps always creates the space for something happen. Flow begins to weave its way into daily life. I’ve begun the process of untying myself from commitments that compromise my values, well, just one. I can’t pretend anymore, life goes too fast. My world needs to expand.
I’ve been trying to find out something about myself, about where I am going with my life. It is the key to creating habits and in taking my next steps. As I write this rough, cobbled together little post it seems clear now that being of service has been a common message I’ve been drawn to. I do want to be of service, in an assertive, curious, creative, make things, life changing possibly loud, adventure driven kinda way. So my habits, my day to day life needs to reflect this identity.
Woah. Step one James (the author of Atomic Habits)! I have identified my identity – now to find my way, the long way. Who knew this was where this post would end up. Actually it seems to be a path I am jumping back on after taking some time out to get lost. It will look a little different though because I am.
I better get my camera out of the back of the draw.
And hey look where I am – I decided to write again. I am not sure where this will go. I do know is it is important to me and it has been gently whispering ‘come back, come back’ so I listened.
Postcards From Europe 